Harry Guakomoli was born on the bayou in a cross-fire hurricane. The Guak's mother was a voodoo priestess; his dad wrassled gators for asshole tourists. The two met while performing at a traveling carnival called "Colonel Carl's Roving Spectacle-o-Rama" ran by a man who was neither a colonel nor named Carl. It was lust at first sight, the two getting it on shortly after The Guak's mom joined the carnival's peepshow.
Harry Guakomoli was conceived in a cave close to where the carnival caravan had set up camp for the night. Our hero's parents, messed up on mescalin, spiked gumbo, and the cave's toxic mold, gave in to their in-no-way-forbidden desire. The gator wrassler refused to wear protection, believing himself to be sterile.
Harry Guakomoli exited his mother's womb nine months later in the back of the trailer our hero's mother shared with the bearded lady, an arrangement Harriet found less than ideal. Hurricane Biff had just hit Louisiana. The Guak inherited Dad's awesome might and Mom's love of effigies and weakness for potent potables. It was a dangerous mix.
Harry Guakomoli found this combination of his parents' traits more trouble than it was worth, such as the time he got ridiculously shit-faced and set a cardboard cut-out of Jim Varney and a pinch of the actor's pubic hair (don't ask) on fire. The Guak then single-handedly overturned the police cruiser of the responding officers. This story's protagonist was rewarded with a year in the hoosegow.
Harry Guakomoli lost his father the day after his birth, dying in his sleep with a smile on his face. The Guak's mother claimed her lover and baby daddy was visited by Filthy O'Possum, the patron saint of naughty dreams, while slumbering, and his heart simply couldn't handle the sexy visions running through his brain.
Harry Guakomoli lost his mother the day after the day after his birth. Colonel Carl, who was neither a colonel nor named Carl, did not believe the voodoo priestess/nudie dancer's story about our hero's dad's passing, so he had her burned at the stake. While doused in gasoline and set ablaze, the smell of burning flesh strong in the air, she placed a hex on her newborn son.
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