Harry Guakomoli was rudely awakened by the sound of "Big Pimpin'" by Jay-Z. He paid $2.99 for that ringtone and it was worth every penny. The Guak looked to his left to see the curvy backside of Yo-Yo Ramirez and smiled, flashing a mouthful of smashed teeth.
Harry Guakomoli had slain his archenemy, Sasquatch McGillicuddy, the night before, ripping the behemoth's shaggy head clean off. After some sweet lovin' from the comely Miss Ramirez, all our hero wanted to do was sleep, for days preferably. But Jay-Z just wouldn't shut the fuck up.
Harry Guakomoli answered the phone with a curt "what?" He had a brief conversation with the mysterious caller (The Guak's contribution consisted of puzzled grunts) before getting out of bed and throwing on some clothes, lacing up his shit-kickers, and zipping up his coat.
Harry Guakomoli woke up the lovely Yo-Yo Ramirez. "El Guako, you leave me?" she purred. "Sorry, mi cucaracha, but I've got an appointment," our hero replied. "Papi Grande! Don't you know 'cucaracha' means 'cockroach?!" The Guak chuckled and patted her fanny. "Of course I do."
Harry Guakomoli hobbled downstairs, the previous night's murderous encounter having taken its toll. The Guak opened the door to to the outside, the potency of the sun's rays blinding our wounded hero. "Fuck, you look like shit, brother from another mother," a familiar voice commented.
Harry Guakomoli took a moment to let his eyes adjust to the glare. Oslo sat on the stoop, a half-eaten package of Nutter Butters and three empty forties of St. Ides premium malt liquor to his left, a lumpy puddle of vomit to his right. "That chica do some crazy nasty Tommy Smothers shit to your yo-yo?" The Guak merely smiled.
Harry Guakomoli and Oslo punched it in, fist bumping paw, The Guak's hand slathered in oily goop. "Jesus!" remarked our hero, "take a bath already!" Oslo glared at his best and only friend "bitch, that nasty shit saved your white ass last night." A black stretch Escalade emerged from behind a building, slowly turning the corner and stopping in front of The Guak's hizzouse.
Harry Guakomoli eyed the most hideously ostentatious vehicle he had ever seen. The driver's door opened and out stepped a tall blonde who could be described as either "amazonian" or "built like a brick shit house" (reader's choice!) dressed head-to-toe in black leather. "Mr. Guakomoli," stated the amazonian shit house coldly, "the doctor awaits your arrival."
Harry Guakomoli stepped off the stoop and headed towards the stretch as The Amazon walked over to the rear passenger's side door, the click-clack of her jackboots loud on the pavement. She opened the door and The Guak hopped in, motioning Oslo to follow. The sidekick of this story's protagonist did so, but not before stopping at the driver's feet and issuing a wolf whistle.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Part IV: The Guak, The Origin (Part I)
Harry Guakomoli was born on the bayou in a cross-fire hurricane. The Guak's mother was a voodoo priestess; his dad wrassled gators for asshole tourists. The two met while performing at a traveling carnival called "Colonel Carl's Roving Spectacle-o-Rama" ran by a man who was neither a colonel nor named Carl. It was lust at first sight, the two getting it on shortly after The Guak's mom joined the carnival's peepshow.
Harry Guakomoli was conceived in a cave close to where the carnival caravan had set up camp for the night. Our hero's parents, messed up on mescalin, spiked gumbo, and the cave's toxic mold, gave in to their in-no-way-forbidden desire. The gator wrassler refused to wear protection, believing himself to be sterile.
Harry Guakomoli exited his mother's womb nine months later in the back of the trailer our hero's mother shared with the bearded lady, an arrangement Harriet found less than ideal. Hurricane Biff had just hit Louisiana. The Guak inherited Dad's awesome might and Mom's love of effigies and weakness for potent potables. It was a dangerous mix.
Harry Guakomoli found this combination of his parents' traits more trouble than it was worth, such as the time he got ridiculously shit-faced and set a cardboard cut-out of Jim Varney and a pinch of the actor's pubic hair (don't ask) on fire. The Guak then single-handedly overturned the police cruiser of the responding officers. This story's protagonist was rewarded with a year in the hoosegow.
Harry Guakomoli lost his father the day after his birth, dying in his sleep with a smile on his face. The Guak's mother claimed her lover and baby daddy was visited by Filthy O'Possum, the patron saint of naughty dreams, while slumbering, and his heart simply couldn't handle the sexy visions running through his brain.
Harry Guakomoli lost his mother the day after the day after his birth. Colonel Carl, who was neither a colonel nor named Carl, did not believe the voodoo priestess/nudie dancer's story about our hero's dad's passing, so he had her burned at the stake. While doused in gasoline and set ablaze, the smell of burning flesh strong in the air, she placed a hex on her newborn son.
Harry Guakomoli was conceived in a cave close to where the carnival caravan had set up camp for the night. Our hero's parents, messed up on mescalin, spiked gumbo, and the cave's toxic mold, gave in to their in-no-way-forbidden desire. The gator wrassler refused to wear protection, believing himself to be sterile.
Harry Guakomoli exited his mother's womb nine months later in the back of the trailer our hero's mother shared with the bearded lady, an arrangement Harriet found less than ideal. Hurricane Biff had just hit Louisiana. The Guak inherited Dad's awesome might and Mom's love of effigies and weakness for potent potables. It was a dangerous mix.
Harry Guakomoli found this combination of his parents' traits more trouble than it was worth, such as the time he got ridiculously shit-faced and set a cardboard cut-out of Jim Varney and a pinch of the actor's pubic hair (don't ask) on fire. The Guak then single-handedly overturned the police cruiser of the responding officers. This story's protagonist was rewarded with a year in the hoosegow.
Harry Guakomoli lost his father the day after his birth, dying in his sleep with a smile on his face. The Guak's mother claimed her lover and baby daddy was visited by Filthy O'Possum, the patron saint of naughty dreams, while slumbering, and his heart simply couldn't handle the sexy visions running through his brain.
Harry Guakomoli lost his mother the day after the day after his birth. Colonel Carl, who was neither a colonel nor named Carl, did not believe the voodoo priestess/nudie dancer's story about our hero's dad's passing, so he had her burned at the stake. While doused in gasoline and set ablaze, the smell of burning flesh strong in the air, she placed a hex on her newborn son.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Part III: All's Swell That Ends Swell
Harry Guakomoli collapsed and landed on the cold asphalt. He was in a fuckload of pain and nearing unconsciousness. This was no way for a hero to go out, like a chump. But he was too weak. Sasquatch would never allow him to get back up. Then a small brown streak appeared from nowhere and Oslo was in the monster's face, attempting to claw out the eyes of the antagonist of this tale.
Harry Guakomoli got the opening he desperately needed. As Sasquatch struggled with Oslo, The Guak pulled himself to his feet, just to see his would-be murderer yank Oslo off his face and drop kick the sidekick. The cat flew through the air howling. The Guak swore he saw a deluge of stomach acid, malt liquor, and partially chewed Nutter Butters erupt from his only friend's mouth as Oslo hurtled away into the night.
Harry Guakomoli swung wildly...and missed...horribly.
Harry Guakomoli cursed himself for blowing his one shot. Sasquatch MacGillicuddy laughed and took a step towards his prey, unaware that his right foot was slathered in the viscous fluid that Oslo was drenched in. The ogre slipped and fell, landing hard on his bum. A burst of adrenaline shot through our hero, who lunged towards Sasquatch.
Harry Guakomoli latched on to Sasquatch's mountain man of a beard and placed a foot on the pitied fool's shoulder. While pressing down with his foot, The Guak pulled up with all of his power. Sasquatch screeched and thrashed about, but it was all for naught. It did not take long for The Guak, drunk on St. Ides and Herculean might, to yank the behemoth's head clean off, a torrent of blood rushed from his slain enemy's neckhole.
Harry Guakomoli took a step back as Sasquatch MacGillicuddy's body became the Mount Vesuvius of sanguinary discharge. The Guak raised Sasquatch's severed head so its eyes were level with his own. "You should totally fuck that skull," Oslo, who of course landed on his feet, suggested. Our hero entertained the thought briefly before he decided to just drop the shaggy head.
Harry Guakomoli felt a hand grab his own. He looked over to see the lovely Yo-Yo Ramimirez standing at his side. "You were soooo brave," she purred, "and I would like to give you a proper hero's reward." The Guak smiled, showing a grin of smashed teeth. "I would like that very much," he replied. "But first I need to throw up these Nutter Butters."
Harry Guakomoli got the opening he desperately needed. As Sasquatch struggled with Oslo, The Guak pulled himself to his feet, just to see his would-be murderer yank Oslo off his face and drop kick the sidekick. The cat flew through the air howling. The Guak swore he saw a deluge of stomach acid, malt liquor, and partially chewed Nutter Butters erupt from his only friend's mouth as Oslo hurtled away into the night.
Harry Guakomoli swung wildly...and missed...horribly.
Harry Guakomoli cursed himself for blowing his one shot. Sasquatch MacGillicuddy laughed and took a step towards his prey, unaware that his right foot was slathered in the viscous fluid that Oslo was drenched in. The ogre slipped and fell, landing hard on his bum. A burst of adrenaline shot through our hero, who lunged towards Sasquatch.
Harry Guakomoli latched on to Sasquatch's mountain man of a beard and placed a foot on the pitied fool's shoulder. While pressing down with his foot, The Guak pulled up with all of his power. Sasquatch screeched and thrashed about, but it was all for naught. It did not take long for The Guak, drunk on St. Ides and Herculean might, to yank the behemoth's head clean off, a torrent of blood rushed from his slain enemy's neckhole.
Harry Guakomoli took a step back as Sasquatch MacGillicuddy's body became the Mount Vesuvius of sanguinary discharge. The Guak raised Sasquatch's severed head so its eyes were level with his own. "You should totally fuck that skull," Oslo, who of course landed on his feet, suggested. Our hero entertained the thought briefly before he decided to just drop the shaggy head.
Harry Guakomoli felt a hand grab his own. He looked over to see the lovely Yo-Yo Ramimirez standing at his side. "You were soooo brave," she purred, "and I would like to give you a proper hero's reward." The Guak smiled, showing a grin of smashed teeth. "I would like that very much," he replied. "But first I need to throw up these Nutter Butters."
Part II: The Sasquatch and The Damage Done
HarryGuakomoli was bored. It was seven at night, and not a single ass-whupping had transpired; our hero had done his job too well. No one fucked with The Guak's corner. He considered taking the rest of the night off. But then The Guak saw him, crossing the street: an archenemy long thought dispatched. The fearsome, the loathsome, Sasquatch MacGillicuddy.
Harry Guaomoli couldn't believe his eyes: he took care of Sasquatch years before. Rumored to be the offspring of an overzealous big game hunter and a hairless lady Bigfoot, Sasquatch MacGillicuddy was almost seven feet tall, 400 lbs, and shaggy as fuck. But there the brute was, with murder in his eyes and an inferno in his belly, making a beeline towards The Guak.
Harry Guakomoli stood up, dizzy. This was the first time he had been off his ass in three hours, the previous time was to go around the corner to relieve himself in his neighbor's 2009 Range Rover. "Prissy lil' bitch," Guak had muttered to himself as he pissed in the gas tank. So, as you can imagine, dear reader, our hero found himself light-headed.
Harry Guakomoli staggered for a spell before collecting himself and marching to confront his most despicable of foes.
Harry Guakomoli and Sasquatch MacGillicuddy met in the middle of the intersection. One of them would not leave this confrontation alive. Both men were fixing not to become a corpse.
Harry Guakomoli did not see it coming. Saquatch was growling and literally foaming at the mouth. The Guak did not anticipate Sasquatch's opening move: a lightning-quick knee to the scrotum. His archnemesis had used The Great Equalizer, and he had used it well. Our hero doubled over, and this half-man/half-abominable snowman capitalized on the situation by delivering the haymakerest of haymakers.
Harry Guakomoli was in bad shape. His mouth filled with blood, a few teeth knocked out and lying in the street. And, boy, did his nuts hurt.
Harry Guaomoli couldn't believe his eyes: he took care of Sasquatch years before. Rumored to be the offspring of an overzealous big game hunter and a hairless lady Bigfoot, Sasquatch MacGillicuddy was almost seven feet tall, 400 lbs, and shaggy as fuck. But there the brute was, with murder in his eyes and an inferno in his belly, making a beeline towards The Guak.
Harry Guakomoli stood up, dizzy. This was the first time he had been off his ass in three hours, the previous time was to go around the corner to relieve himself in his neighbor's 2009 Range Rover. "Prissy lil' bitch," Guak had muttered to himself as he pissed in the gas tank. So, as you can imagine, dear reader, our hero found himself light-headed.
Harry Guakomoli staggered for a spell before collecting himself and marching to confront his most despicable of foes.
Harry Guakomoli and Sasquatch MacGillicuddy met in the middle of the intersection. One of them would not leave this confrontation alive. Both men were fixing not to become a corpse.
Harry Guakomoli did not see it coming. Saquatch was growling and literally foaming at the mouth. The Guak did not anticipate Sasquatch's opening move: a lightning-quick knee to the scrotum. His archnemesis had used The Great Equalizer, and he had used it well. Our hero doubled over, and this half-man/half-abominable snowman capitalized on the situation by delivering the haymakerest of haymakers.
Harry Guakomoli was in bad shape. His mouth filled with blood, a few teeth knocked out and lying in the street. And, boy, did his nuts hurt.
Part I: A Man and His Cat (and a Yo-Yo Mama)
Harry Guakomoli was in bad shape. His mouth filled with blood, a few teeth knocked out and lying in the street. And, boy, did his nuts hurt.
Harry Guakomoli started the day like most others: at noon, hungover and alone. The loneliness suited The Guak just fine; he realized long ago the life of a hero was one of forced celibacy. And the ladies agreed with him. The hangover, however, the hero of this tale could have certainly done without.
Harry Guakomoli walked, more like stumbled, down the stairs and outside. He sat down on the stoop, cracked open a 40 oz bottle of St. Ides malt liquor, and watched the passersby at the corner. His corner. No crime escaped neither The Guak's watchful eye nor his swift justice, unless, of course, said crime occurred between the hours of 4am and 1pm.
Harry Guakomoli was joined about an hour later by Oslo. The pair watched the corner like hawks, greeting the neighbors as they passed. Yo-Yo Ramirez winked at The Guak as she strolled by, swinging the serious junk in her trunk. "Shit, I wouldn't mind her working my yo-yo," Oslo remarked. Oslo was the smartest cat The Guak had ever met. He was also the filthiest in both mind and body.
Harry Guakomoli and Oslo spent the afternoon and early evening drinking forties and eating Nutter Butters. At one point Oslo tried to clean himself, only to become disgusted by the taste of the viscous fluid he found himself covered in, which caused him to vomit. The odor of Oslo's sick made The Guak queasy and our hero added to the puddle of stomach contents with some of his own, which sparked some more puke from Oslo.
Harry Guakomoli in turn spewed out more. This back-and-forth went on for several minutes. The Guak laughed, knowing his dickhead landlord would have to clean the mess up. The two gave each other a high-five, and this story's protagonist and his four-legged friend resumed their daily ritual of consuming ridiculous amounts of malt liquor.
Harry Guakomoli started the day like most others: at noon, hungover and alone. The loneliness suited The Guak just fine; he realized long ago the life of a hero was one of forced celibacy. And the ladies agreed with him. The hangover, however, the hero of this tale could have certainly done without.
Harry Guakomoli walked, more like stumbled, down the stairs and outside. He sat down on the stoop, cracked open a 40 oz bottle of St. Ides malt liquor, and watched the passersby at the corner. His corner. No crime escaped neither The Guak's watchful eye nor his swift justice, unless, of course, said crime occurred between the hours of 4am and 1pm.
Harry Guakomoli was joined about an hour later by Oslo. The pair watched the corner like hawks, greeting the neighbors as they passed. Yo-Yo Ramirez winked at The Guak as she strolled by, swinging the serious junk in her trunk. "Shit, I wouldn't mind her working my yo-yo," Oslo remarked. Oslo was the smartest cat The Guak had ever met. He was also the filthiest in both mind and body.
Harry Guakomoli and Oslo spent the afternoon and early evening drinking forties and eating Nutter Butters. At one point Oslo tried to clean himself, only to become disgusted by the taste of the viscous fluid he found himself covered in, which caused him to vomit. The odor of Oslo's sick made The Guak queasy and our hero added to the puddle of stomach contents with some of his own, which sparked some more puke from Oslo.
Harry Guakomoli in turn spewed out more. This back-and-forth went on for several minutes. The Guak laughed, knowing his dickhead landlord would have to clean the mess up. The two gave each other a high-five, and this story's protagonist and his four-legged friend resumed their daily ritual of consuming ridiculous amounts of malt liquor.
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