Harry Guakomoli did indeed reach the end of the seemingly endless hallway, stepping into a massive ballroom. And he zeroed in on the ringleader of the freak show.
Doktor Maschinemensch stood at the top of a magnificent double staircase. Or at least it was once upon a time: a lack of maintenance over the years had caused it to appear rather dilapidated. The mad scientist required a robotic non-dwarf to grip each leg in order to keep him from toppling over.
"You!" The Guak roared as he pointed at the doctor with a charred finger. "This ends now!"
"You are correct, Herr Guakomoli," Doktor Maschinemensch replied, a sinister smile plastered upon his wrinkled timeworn face. "But I suspect not in the manner in vhich you think. Jungs!"
The Guak had no idea where they all came from, but he was suddenly beset by five miniature Maximillian Maschinemensches. One on each arm and leg and another on his back.
"Oh, shit!" exclaimed Oslo as he noticed the assailants on The Guak.
"Oslo," The Guak calmly said. "Bon Scott."
"But, boss -"
"Bon. Scott. Now."
The Guak and the world's smartest cat, while the best of buds, were not equals in their ass-kicking partnership. In matters of fucking shit up The Guak called the shots. And he did not like being questioned.
But it was out of concern for The Guak that made Oslo reluctant to leave. Long ago the pair had devised some code words to detail plans of action without revealing said plans of action to their foes. "Bon Scott" was such a term. It required the sidekick to abandon our hero. This did not sit well with Oslo, but he knew better than to argue "Bon Scott" a second time. The world's smartest cat scurried off.
Our hero was left was left on his own. This suited The Guak just fine. He could handle electrocution and small explosions; his best friend could not.
The Guak swung his right arm against the stone wall, making sure to the android on that particular appendage was between it and the wall. The wee one was immediately crushed upon impact. A millisecond later its flattened head exploded.
He then wrapped his right hand around the neck of the one on the other arm. and squeezed. The non-dwarf's neck easily gave way to The Guak's brute strength. The head exploded soon after.
"Fuck!" The Guak hollered.
The explosion had burned The Guak badly. He looked down at his right mitt and it literally smoldered.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" shrieked the doctor. "You may be dispatching meine Kinder vith ease, but at vhat cost? You vill be burned to a delicious crisp long before you make it to me."
This sick fuck was suggesting he was going to eat The Guak's charbroiled corpse?! That really rubbed our hero the wrong way. Cannibalism didn't fly with The Guak.
The Guak grabbed the roboMaximillian on his right leg by the torso with both hands and tugged. The android was strong all right, but its joints? Not so much. Our hero held the robot sans limbs and hurled the thing towards the doctor. The limbless bastard missed its mark but just barely. It collided headfirst into the chest of one of the non-dwarfs propping up Doktor Maschinemensch. The head of the makeshift projectile exploded immediately upon impact, which in turn caused the victim of the attack to blow up. The blast knocked both the doctor and the henchbot out of The Guak's sight.
Our hero was rather pleased with himself. But it was not the time for celebration: he still had a pair of robotic pains in the ass clinging to him. The Guak believed he was rather clever with the way he destroyed the last android so he went to grab the torso of the one on his other leg.
But the non-dwarf was smarter than it seemed and anticipated the attack and went to bite The Guak's hands. He quickly withdrew, but our hero was not quick enough; the robot bit down hard on his left pinky, severing the digit from the rest of its hand.
The wee henchbot then released its grasp from The Guak's leg and attempted to flee. But The Guak tripped it, and the roboMaximillian fell flat on its face. Our hero jumped in the air and landed with both feet on the back of the android's head. It crunched for an instant before blowing up along with any chance of recovering his pinky.
Only the henchbot on The Guak's back remained. Our hero charged towards the wall and leaped twisting his body so he crashed into it back first. He heard and felt the explosion instantly. The Guak dropped to one knee and winced. The doctor was right about one thing: all these explosions were taking its toll.
The Guak slowly got back to his feet and looked around the ballroom for any more foes. He saw none.
This story's protagonist howled the most feral of howls before sprinting up the staircase to finally confront the doctor.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Monday, June 20, 2011
Part XIV: Time To Be Righteous (Part II)
Harry Guakomoli clenched his fists as the crazed doctor continued to speak over the intercom.
"Vhy did you resist? I vould have given you the world. I vanted to revard you for your selfless bravery vhen it came to rescuing my beloved Maximillian. Robotic parts. A tasty hundin to schnitzel. But you had to be difficult. Der Guak has a code not compatible vith vhat I need. So now I must -"
"Will you shut your fucking clap trap already?" The Guak interrupted.
Our hero pointed to the rifle and pulled the trigger. Click. He attempted it again. Click. Click click click click click. The Guak wanted one of those exploding spiky ball thingies to blow up the speaker. He was getting REALLY tired of Doktor Maschinemensch and his dead fuck-up of a son. But, no, the stupid guns wouldn't work.
"BWAHAHAHAHA!" The doctor laughed maniacally, happy as a pig in shit that his ranting will continue. 'You vonder why die Waffen von't vork? You are a stupid, stupid - "
Then the doctor's boasting truly did come to an end as a decapitated non-dwarf body soared into the speaker. The Guak smiled smugly.
"Finally!" Oslo yelled.
"Let's go," said The Guak. The grin ceased to exist.
The pair continued down the hallway after stepping over the rubble that had dropped from the ceiling and crushed one of the androids.
The Guak felt something on his right leg and then on his left. He looked down to find a compacted robotic facsimile of Maximillian Maschinemensch on each leg, wrapped tightly with their tiny appendages like vises.
"How fucking cute," our hero remarked.
And then the first one struck by sinking its tiny teeth into The Guak's leg right above the knee. The second one followed, its pearly whites imbedded in our hero's left leg. He groaned slightly.
"If you turds give me tetanus I'm going to be pissed," growled The Guak. He then grabbed each of their heads and pulled, but the li'l guys refused to budge; their grip was too strong, This did not deter The Guak one iota. He kept pulling and pulling until their heads were ripped from their shoulders. The tiny heads exploded in our hero's hands burning his fingers and palms. Our hero winced.
"That's gotta be just about all of 'em boss," Oslo remarked with relief.
The Guak merely grunted. He tired of all this. At this point our hero no longer wanted to be the hero. He just wanted to go home. But even more pressing: The Guak wanted out of this hallway. It was taking fucking forever!
"Vhy did you resist? I vould have given you the world. I vanted to revard you for your selfless bravery vhen it came to rescuing my beloved Maximillian. Robotic parts. A tasty hundin to schnitzel. But you had to be difficult. Der Guak has a code not compatible vith vhat I need. So now I must -"
"Will you shut your fucking clap trap already?" The Guak interrupted.
Our hero pointed to the rifle and pulled the trigger. Click. He attempted it again. Click. Click click click click click. The Guak wanted one of those exploding spiky ball thingies to blow up the speaker. He was getting REALLY tired of Doktor Maschinemensch and his dead fuck-up of a son. But, no, the stupid guns wouldn't work.
"BWAHAHAHAHA!" The doctor laughed maniacally, happy as a pig in shit that his ranting will continue. 'You vonder why die Waffen von't vork? You are a stupid, stupid - "
Then the doctor's boasting truly did come to an end as a decapitated non-dwarf body soared into the speaker. The Guak smiled smugly.
"Finally!" Oslo yelled.
"Let's go," said The Guak. The grin ceased to exist.
The pair continued down the hallway after stepping over the rubble that had dropped from the ceiling and crushed one of the androids.
The Guak felt something on his right leg and then on his left. He looked down to find a compacted robotic facsimile of Maximillian Maschinemensch on each leg, wrapped tightly with their tiny appendages like vises.
"How fucking cute," our hero remarked.
And then the first one struck by sinking its tiny teeth into The Guak's leg right above the knee. The second one followed, its pearly whites imbedded in our hero's left leg. He groaned slightly.
"If you turds give me tetanus I'm going to be pissed," growled The Guak. He then grabbed each of their heads and pulled, but the li'l guys refused to budge; their grip was too strong, This did not deter The Guak one iota. He kept pulling and pulling until their heads were ripped from their shoulders. The tiny heads exploded in our hero's hands burning his fingers and palms. Our hero winced.
"That's gotta be just about all of 'em boss," Oslo remarked with relief.
The Guak merely grunted. He tired of all this. At this point our hero no longer wanted to be the hero. He just wanted to go home. But even more pressing: The Guak wanted out of this hallway. It was taking fucking forever!
Friday, June 10, 2011
Part XIV: Time To Be Righteous (Part I)
Harry Guakomoli felt his strength return. He was ready to bring a shit storm down on Neuneuschwanstein and its menagerie of freaks. The Guak was going to do it for the bodega. He was going to do it for all non-Aryans. He was going to do it for Oslo. He was going to do it for himself. And, if he got around to it, he was going to do it for the good ol' US of A.
Oslo did a quick inspection of The Guak, checking for any surgical incisions. There were none. Our hero's shattered teeth were in the same state as before he fell prey to the knock-out soup. The only change to The Guak's body seemed to be the lumps he acquired when his head hit the table and then the stone floor.
Man and cat left the room and turned the corner only to find one of the miniature automatons an arm's length from them. The Guak grabbed the henchbot by its curly blond hair, lifted it off the ground, and drove its head into the wall. Its mechanical head crunched loudly before exploding. Our hero didn't do so much as flinch.
"Four down," Oslo observed.
The Guak and Oslo walked , almost strutted, down the hallway. Our hero was brimming with confidence, and his cocksure attitude rubbed off on his four-legged friend. Nobody was going to break their stride (oh no, oh no), especially a crazed fascist and his cybernetic lackeys.
The duo descended down a staircase. Oslo gave directions since he had a better understanding of Neuneuschwanstein's layout.
At the bottom of the stairs two of the wee li'l androids were lying in wait. Each gripped another oddly modified rifle. The Guak aimed his own weapon at the one of his left and fired. The gun did nothing. Again he pulled the trigger. The rifle did not respond.
"Fuck," The Guak muttered.
Oslo dashed towards the one on the right. The sidekick pounced and drove his body into the side of the gun barrel just as the robot fired. A metal projectile, resembling a a spiked golf ball, hurtled out of the rifle and imbedded itself into the ceiling. A second later the spiky round bullet exploded, sending a considerable amount of stone ceiling crashing down upon the non-dwarf. The impact from the debris crushed the diminutive robot, and its head exploded. Shrapnel flew every which way, barely missing our hero and his fuzzy sidekick.
Determining Oslo was the more immediate threat, the other gunman turned towards the feline. Big mistake. The Guak charged his would-be assailant and rammed the butt of the rifle into its neck. The thing's head fell off its shoulders, dangling by a few red wires.
It was not exactly enough to immobilize the android, so our hero swung the gun like a baseball bat. The rifle butt connected squarely with the head, detached from its body but still tethered to it with wires. This blow did the trick; the head and a few severed wires soared down the hallway. It bounced a few times before it exploded as well. The non-dwarf's decapitated body crumpled to the floor.
"Christ, boss! This is a cakewalk! We can't be stopped!" exclaimed Oslo.
The Guak's useless rifle became even more useless: the impact caused the weapon to snap in two. Our hero shrugged and picked the other two guns off the ground.
"Vell done, Herr Guakomoli," Doktor Maschinemensch's voice boomed over a loud speaker. "It vas your spirit und resilience that made you a prime candidate. Sadly, your refusal to be broken means you vill have to be destroyed. But I am still eager to carve up your little friend und see vhat makes him tick."
Oslo did a quick inspection of The Guak, checking for any surgical incisions. There were none. Our hero's shattered teeth were in the same state as before he fell prey to the knock-out soup. The only change to The Guak's body seemed to be the lumps he acquired when his head hit the table and then the stone floor.
Man and cat left the room and turned the corner only to find one of the miniature automatons an arm's length from them. The Guak grabbed the henchbot by its curly blond hair, lifted it off the ground, and drove its head into the wall. Its mechanical head crunched loudly before exploding. Our hero didn't do so much as flinch.
"Four down," Oslo observed.
The Guak and Oslo walked , almost strutted, down the hallway. Our hero was brimming with confidence, and his cocksure attitude rubbed off on his four-legged friend. Nobody was going to break their stride (oh no, oh no), especially a crazed fascist and his cybernetic lackeys.
The duo descended down a staircase. Oslo gave directions since he had a better understanding of Neuneuschwanstein's layout.
At the bottom of the stairs two of the wee li'l androids were lying in wait. Each gripped another oddly modified rifle. The Guak aimed his own weapon at the one of his left and fired. The gun did nothing. Again he pulled the trigger. The rifle did not respond.
"Fuck," The Guak muttered.
Oslo dashed towards the one on the right. The sidekick pounced and drove his body into the side of the gun barrel just as the robot fired. A metal projectile, resembling a a spiked golf ball, hurtled out of the rifle and imbedded itself into the ceiling. A second later the spiky round bullet exploded, sending a considerable amount of stone ceiling crashing down upon the non-dwarf. The impact from the debris crushed the diminutive robot, and its head exploded. Shrapnel flew every which way, barely missing our hero and his fuzzy sidekick.
Determining Oslo was the more immediate threat, the other gunman turned towards the feline. Big mistake. The Guak charged his would-be assailant and rammed the butt of the rifle into its neck. The thing's head fell off its shoulders, dangling by a few red wires.
It was not exactly enough to immobilize the android, so our hero swung the gun like a baseball bat. The rifle butt connected squarely with the head, detached from its body but still tethered to it with wires. This blow did the trick; the head and a few severed wires soared down the hallway. It bounced a few times before it exploded as well. The non-dwarf's decapitated body crumpled to the floor.
"Christ, boss! This is a cakewalk! We can't be stopped!" exclaimed Oslo.
The Guak's useless rifle became even more useless: the impact caused the weapon to snap in two. Our hero shrugged and picked the other two guns off the ground.
"Vell done, Herr Guakomoli," Doktor Maschinemensch's voice boomed over a loud speaker. "It vas your spirit und resilience that made you a prime candidate. Sadly, your refusal to be broken means you vill have to be destroyed. But I am still eager to carve up your little friend und see vhat makes him tick."
Monday, June 6, 2011
Part XIII: A Brief Chat Between Man And Cat
Harry Guakomoli looked to his right to find an unmoving Oslo on the bed beside him. Our hero was reminded of the naughty dream he had experienced. He had made out with a female anthropomorphic version of his sidekick. The Guak shuddered. There will be time to address the weirdness later (fingers crossed!); now was the time to check on his four-legged friend.
"Oslo. You alive?"
"That seriously fucking sucked, boss," Oslo replied weakly.
"What were you thinking, attacking the robot replicas of that lunatic's dead son?" asked The Guak.
"How was I supposed to know that?"
"'World's Smartest Cat' my ass," The Guak mumbled.
Oslo's eyes flashed a sign of pain. Our hero had hurt the feline's feelings, and he knew it. Should the duo survive the ordeal, The Guak would have to make up for it, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Maybe some catnip and a dirty movie of the human variety.
The Guak slowly, agonizingly, got to his feet. His head was no longer spinning, his vision restored to its original 20/40, but god damn it did it feel like his brain was pounding against his skull.
"How did you wake up before me?" our hero asked. "You must have lapped up as much of that nasty soup as I did."
"You know how much strange shit I eat and drink?" Oslo answered. "Just the stuff I lick up off the sidewalk has made me just about immune to every poison, toxin, and venom. I've been running from these midgets and trying to find you for the last hour and a half."
"How many of these little shits are there? A hundred?"
"Oh, no. It's hard to tell exactly, but I think I only counted seven or eight," answered Oslo.
Filthy O'Possum, that lying son of a bitch, The Guak reached down and picked up the non-dwarf's peculiar rifle. Our hero never learned much about guns, but aim and shoot was the basic principle. That was enough to kill one of the wee robotic henchmen. Then there would be the matter of ammunition and figuring out how to reload the thing. His back cracked as he stood back up. The Guak winced.
"You gonna make it, chief?" asked Oslo with concern. The asshole cracked wise with the sidekick's "World's Smartest Cat" moniker, but The Guak was his only friend. And probably the only way he was going to escape vivisection.
"I'll be okay. So there's the one you got electrocuted over, and the two I crushed with the bed, so if you're right there should be three or four more of 'em. And Fritz and Blondie. You run into anyone else?"
"Nope." Oslo responded.
"Good. Time to be righteous."
"Oslo. You alive?"
"That seriously fucking sucked, boss," Oslo replied weakly.
"What were you thinking, attacking the robot replicas of that lunatic's dead son?" asked The Guak.
"How was I supposed to know that?"
"'World's Smartest Cat' my ass," The Guak mumbled.
Oslo's eyes flashed a sign of pain. Our hero had hurt the feline's feelings, and he knew it. Should the duo survive the ordeal, The Guak would have to make up for it, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Maybe some catnip and a dirty movie of the human variety.
The Guak slowly, agonizingly, got to his feet. His head was no longer spinning, his vision restored to its original 20/40, but god damn it did it feel like his brain was pounding against his skull.
"How did you wake up before me?" our hero asked. "You must have lapped up as much of that nasty soup as I did."
"You know how much strange shit I eat and drink?" Oslo answered. "Just the stuff I lick up off the sidewalk has made me just about immune to every poison, toxin, and venom. I've been running from these midgets and trying to find you for the last hour and a half."
"How many of these little shits are there? A hundred?"
"Oh, no. It's hard to tell exactly, but I think I only counted seven or eight," answered Oslo.
Filthy O'Possum, that lying son of a bitch, The Guak reached down and picked up the non-dwarf's peculiar rifle. Our hero never learned much about guns, but aim and shoot was the basic principle. That was enough to kill one of the wee robotic henchmen. Then there would be the matter of ammunition and figuring out how to reload the thing. His back cracked as he stood back up. The Guak winced.
"You gonna make it, chief?" asked Oslo with concern. The asshole cracked wise with the sidekick's "World's Smartest Cat" moniker, but The Guak was his only friend. And probably the only way he was going to escape vivisection.
"I'll be okay. So there's the one you got electrocuted over, and the two I crushed with the bed, so if you're right there should be three or four more of 'em. And Fritz and Blondie. You run into anyone else?"
"Nope." Oslo responded.
"Good. Time to be righteous."
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