Harry Guakomoli was led to a grand dining hall. Two wee men, identical to the doormen, were busy setting the expansive table in the center of the room. The dwarf quadruplets had an air of familiarity to them, but The Guak couldn't place how he knew them. Our hero noticed the little helpers were only placing two settings. Oslo was going to be pissed.
Harry Guakomoli stared at the bowl of tomato soup in front of him. He fucking hated tomato soup. Normally he would have told the old man to shove it, but the dude was offering to do The Guak a solid so instead he politely sipped the soup from a bouillon spoon. The doctor had better come through on fixing The Guak's teeth free of charge or our hero was going to beat on every motherfucker in the room.
Harry Guakomoli was barely able to conceal his utter disgust every time he gulped down the soup. The doctor sat at the head of the table with The Amazon standing behind him. Our hero sat to his left while Oslo was seated in the chair beside The Guak quietly vomiting up the copious amounts of alcohol and Nutter Butters he had consumed throughout the day. A puddle of pungent sick amassed at the base of his chair.
Harry Guakomoli tried not to puke himself as the odor of Oslo's vomit wafted to his sniffer. "I hope die Suppe is to your liking, Herr Guakomoli," the doctor stated. "I think eating solids with the current condition of your teeth vould be ill-advised." Doktor Maschinemensch himself was picking away at a plate of wienerschnitzel and sauerkraut.
Harry Guakomoli eyed Doktor Maschinemensch's breaded veal with ravenous hunger. "You have been chosen to be the Adam to my Ingrid's Eve," began the doctor as he pointed to The Amazon with his thumb. "The two of you vill fornicate und procreate und produce a new race of cyborgs, part man, part machine. A master race if you vill."
Harry Guakomoli stared at the doctor in disbelief. "You have been selected vith this honor due to the strength and resilience you displayed in dispatching your shaggy foe last night und vhen you saved mein Sohn some years ago. You vill be outfitted vith machine parts then you vill impregnate die fraulein UND GIVE ME DER UBERMENSCH OF THE 21st CENTURY!" The Guak calmy looked at the doctor and asked "What the fuck is a 'sohn'?"
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Part VII: He's The One They Call Doktor Maschinemensch
Harry Guakomoli watched as the figure emerged from the darkness. He was a man, old, wrinkled, and frail. His skin was blotchy - the liver spots provided a stark contrast to his pale, almost translucent, complexion. The old man was hunched over due to a nasty case of scoliosis, and he supported his weight with a black wooden cane that trembled in his small gnarled hand.
Harry Guakomoli eyed the man standing before him. A bit of a breeze picked up, sending the man's long wispy white hair blowing every which way. The stranger wobbled as the wind picked up in intensity. For a moment he looked liked he was going to be blown over, but the wind subdued. He appeared to be staring at The Guak through black opaque goggles, and he opened his mouth to speak, his teeth yellow and crooked.
Harry Guakomoli stared in disbelief at the bag of bones (barely) standing before him. "This is my mysterious benefactor?" thought The Guak. "Willkommen auf Neuneuschwanstein, Herr Guakomoli...und katze. Ich bin Doktor Klaus Maschinemensch," the old man said before thrusting his clenched fists into the air. "VELCOME TO DAS FUTURE!"
Harry Guakomoli stood dumbfounded as he eyed the strange man, who continued to stand, his fists still high in the air, while his cane rested on the stone steps. The breeze kicked back up and caused the doctor to teeter. The diminutive doormen rushed to their master, each grabbing a hold of a leg to prevent him from toppling over.
Harry Guakomoli held in laughter as he watched the doctor and his assistants. Oslo had considerably less control and snickered before changing over to full-blown guffawing. Though the old man's eyes were obscured by the dark goggles, the sidekick felt the doctor's glare penetrate his skull, and Oslo knew it was best to shut the fuck up.
Harry Guakokoli said "Doktor...um...Maschinemensch, you mentioned something earlier about fixing my teeth for free?" Our hero subconsciously ran his tongue along the jagged shards that were once his pearly whites, feeling the lasting impression Sasquatch MacGillicuddy's haymakerest of haymakers had left.
Harry Guakmoli awaited the doctor's response, but it was not soon coming. Doktor Maschinemensch looked down at the wee man that supported his left leg. "Eins, grab my cane, und Zwei," he said to the other, "make sure Papa does not fall. Herr Guakomoli, I know you are interested in hearing my proposition. Vier und Funf are busy preparing us a feast fit for a king. Vee can discuss it over supper."
Harry Guakomoli eyed the man standing before him. A bit of a breeze picked up, sending the man's long wispy white hair blowing every which way. The stranger wobbled as the wind picked up in intensity. For a moment he looked liked he was going to be blown over, but the wind subdued. He appeared to be staring at The Guak through black opaque goggles, and he opened his mouth to speak, his teeth yellow and crooked.
Harry Guakomoli stared in disbelief at the bag of bones (barely) standing before him. "This is my mysterious benefactor?" thought The Guak. "Willkommen auf Neuneuschwanstein, Herr Guakomoli...und katze. Ich bin Doktor Klaus Maschinemensch," the old man said before thrusting his clenched fists into the air. "VELCOME TO DAS FUTURE!"
Harry Guakomoli stood dumbfounded as he eyed the strange man, who continued to stand, his fists still high in the air, while his cane rested on the stone steps. The breeze kicked back up and caused the doctor to teeter. The diminutive doormen rushed to their master, each grabbing a hold of a leg to prevent him from toppling over.
Harry Guakomoli held in laughter as he watched the doctor and his assistants. Oslo had considerably less control and snickered before changing over to full-blown guffawing. Though the old man's eyes were obscured by the dark goggles, the sidekick felt the doctor's glare penetrate his skull, and Oslo knew it was best to shut the fuck up.
Harry Guakokoli said "Doktor...um...Maschinemensch, you mentioned something earlier about fixing my teeth for free?" Our hero subconsciously ran his tongue along the jagged shards that were once his pearly whites, feeling the lasting impression Sasquatch MacGillicuddy's haymakerest of haymakers had left.
Harry Guakmoli awaited the doctor's response, but it was not soon coming. Doktor Maschinemensch looked down at the wee man that supported his left leg. "Eins, grab my cane, und Zwei," he said to the other, "make sure Papa does not fall. Herr Guakomoli, I know you are interested in hearing my proposition. Vier und Funf are busy preparing us a feast fit for a king. Vee can discuss it over supper."
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Part VI: The New New Swan Rock
Harry Guakomoli and Oslo rode in luxury as The Less-Than-Dynamic Duo left the urban decay they called home. "Oh my fuckness!" exclaimed Oslo. "There's all kinds of liquors up in this bitch!" The tom cat cracked open some Hennessy and started chugging straight from the bottle. "You want some of this shit, Boss?" The Guak scanned the scads of libations. "Pass the Courvoisier."
Harry Guakomoli and The World's Smartest Cat got their slizzard on in the back of the stretch Escalade as it crawled up the winding way to the bluff overlooking The City. Atop the bluff sat a castle, dark and foreboding, towering over The City like a hungry predator ready to pounce. Oslo noted aloud "shit, son! That's Neuneuschwanstein!"
Harry Guakomoli sort of recalled the legend of Neuneuschwanstein. It was rumored to exist before The City was even founded, occupied by injun shaman who performed arcane rituals, sacrificing papooses and maize in the name of some dark mother. At least that's what Father Bruce told him that one time after catechism. Then The Guak vividly remembered what else happened that day with Father Bruce, and his mind went blank.
Harry Guakomoli and his four-legged friend continued their binge drinking as their chariot slowly proceeded through the gate, a rusty portcullis threatening to fall at any moment. The stretch pulled up in front of a set of heavy double doors. "What the fuck did you get us into?" Oslo asked with a hint of nervousness.
Harry Guakomoli watched as the double doors swung in, pulled open by a pair of diminutive twins. Their blond hair short and curly, their eyes big and blue, giving a glimpse of the emptiness within. A big, seemingly permanent, grin was plastered on each of the wee guys' faces. The more callous of us would call them "midgets" and creepy ones at that.
Harry Guakomoli stared out the window at the doormen as Otto whispered "those midgets are creeping me out." The Guak paid him no mind: Otto had a hatred for anyone 4' tall or shorter, a result of being continually fucked with by small children the first few years of his life. But that was before "the accident." The kids stayed away after that. The story of what happened to Lil' Billy Oliver's eyes guaranteed it.
Harry Guakomoli and his sidekick (a designation said sidekick vehemently opposed) stepped out of the stretch Escalade once The Amazon opened the door. The Guak stumbled a bit; the hour-long drive to Neuneuschwanstein had given him considerable time to get a considerable buzz. Our hero also found himself in need of some serious bladder-emptying. He looked back to see Oslo doing just that.
Harry Guakomoli winced upon exiting the vehicle, the odor of gas strong in the air. The fumes were so strong they burned The Guak's eyes, causing them to water. Through the watery haze our story's protagonist noticed a shadowy figure in the doorway.
Harry Guakomoli and The World's Smartest Cat got their slizzard on in the back of the stretch Escalade as it crawled up the winding way to the bluff overlooking The City. Atop the bluff sat a castle, dark and foreboding, towering over The City like a hungry predator ready to pounce. Oslo noted aloud "shit, son! That's Neuneuschwanstein!"
Harry Guakomoli sort of recalled the legend of Neuneuschwanstein. It was rumored to exist before The City was even founded, occupied by injun shaman who performed arcane rituals, sacrificing papooses and maize in the name of some dark mother. At least that's what Father Bruce told him that one time after catechism. Then The Guak vividly remembered what else happened that day with Father Bruce, and his mind went blank.
Harry Guakomoli and his four-legged friend continued their binge drinking as their chariot slowly proceeded through the gate, a rusty portcullis threatening to fall at any moment. The stretch pulled up in front of a set of heavy double doors. "What the fuck did you get us into?" Oslo asked with a hint of nervousness.
Harry Guakomoli watched as the double doors swung in, pulled open by a pair of diminutive twins. Their blond hair short and curly, their eyes big and blue, giving a glimpse of the emptiness within. A big, seemingly permanent, grin was plastered on each of the wee guys' faces. The more callous of us would call them "midgets" and creepy ones at that.
Harry Guakomoli stared out the window at the doormen as Otto whispered "those midgets are creeping me out." The Guak paid him no mind: Otto had a hatred for anyone 4' tall or shorter, a result of being continually fucked with by small children the first few years of his life. But that was before "the accident." The kids stayed away after that. The story of what happened to Lil' Billy Oliver's eyes guaranteed it.
Harry Guakomoli and his sidekick (a designation said sidekick vehemently opposed) stepped out of the stretch Escalade once The Amazon opened the door. The Guak stumbled a bit; the hour-long drive to Neuneuschwanstein had given him considerable time to get a considerable buzz. Our hero also found himself in need of some serious bladder-emptying. He looked back to see Oslo doing just that.
Harry Guakomoli winced upon exiting the vehicle, the odor of gas strong in the air. The fumes were so strong they burned The Guak's eyes, causing them to water. Through the watery haze our story's protagonist noticed a shadowy figure in the doorway.
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