Harry Guakomoli was not given much of a breather before it once again became action time. Several flood lights, situated atop the castle and compound wall, simultaneously turned on, causing the entire courtyard to shine with a yellow glow.
And then the rumbling started. One side of Castle Neuneushwanstein began shaking violently. Soon the entire facade crumbled apart. The Guak squinted at the tall shape that was behind the wall (before it came crashing down of course).
"You have got to me shitting me," The Guak grumbled.
Across the courtyard stood a mechanical facsimile of Maximillian Maschinemensch, twenty feet tall and naked as the day its inspiration was born (and thankfully not anatomically correct!). Two large smokestacks started at its back and ran skyward before ending a foot above the shoulders. Large plumes of black exhaust billowed out from them. Its belly was clear, revealing Doktor Klaus Maschinemensch seated with a long knobbed gear shift in each hand. The madman yanked the left lever as aggressively as his frail body would allow and a microphone attached to a cord dropped from the cockpit's ceiling.
"YOU THINK YOU ARE SO CLEVER UND STRONG UND MORE CLEVER, HERR GUAKOMOLI," the doctor's voice boomed via a speaker located in the robot's mouth. "BUT I VILL BE TRIUMPHANT! I VILL NOT LET MY LIFE'S WORK BECOME UNDONE BY A CHARRED SELF-RIGHTEOUS ZWIEBELKOPF!"
The Guak glared and snarled. He had no idea how the doctor made it to his robot created in his dead son's image, and at that point he couldn't care less. Our hero charged and quickly closed the gap between him and the source of his rage in a matter of seconds. Our hero leaped into the air towards the doctor. But this story's major antagonist foresaw this course of action and caught The Guak with the robot's left hand with surprising swiftness.
"YOU DISAPPOINT ME," Doktor Maschinemensch said. "SO VERY VERY PREDICTABLE. IT IS AS IF YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING. A SHAME REALLY."
The doctor pushed the right lever forward, and The Guak felt the hand's grip tighten. Slowly he felt himself getting crushed, and he realized he wouldn't be long for this world if he didn't act fast. Our hero started to pound the wrist like a gorilla, raising his fist high above his head before sending it crashing down below. For a normal man the blows would have little or no effect, but this is The Motherfucking Guak I'm talking about here. Our hero's sledgehammer fists cracked the shell and soon he would make a big enough hole so he could reach in and start yanking out wires. If only the doctor did not come to the same conclusion...
"I THINK NOT! PERHAPS YOU ARE NOT AS STUPID AS YOU LOOK!"
The Guak took umbrage at that remark. He was not an attractive man by any stretch of the imagination, yet nothing about his visage gave any clue at to his intelligence (or lack thereof). But soon his only thought was oh, shit! as the doctor threw him.
Our hero soared through the sky thirty feet before hitting the cobblestone ground and bounced, skidded, and rolled another fifteen.
"Fuuuuck," our hero said. This seriously sucked for The Guak,and for a few seconds he laid prone. Everything hurt. He just wanted to be home and cared for by that la cucaracha caliente, Yo-Yo Ramirez. That sounded nice.
The Guak's wishes came to an abrupt end by a loud thud mere feet from his head. He opened his eyes to see a large rock crash even closer. It broke apart upon impact, and it sent dust and small pebbles into his eyes. They were already irritated by the gas fumes that permeated the night air. This bullshit made it worse.
Our hero sat up to eye Doktor Maschinemensch in MechaMaximillian pick up another large stone from the pile that was once the castle wall and hurled it at The Guak. This projectile would have been a bull's-eye had he not rolled out of the way.
The Guak sprung to his feet only to have another rock land squarely in the gut. He doubled over and began to vomit immediately. One final stone nailed his left foot, and our hero felt every bone pulverized.
The Guak realized he was a goner.
But in the near distance he heard the rev of an engine. The Guak turned around to see a pair of headlights enter the courtyard. As the vehicle came closer our hero recognized it as the stretch Escalade from before, and it raced towards the doctor and his robotic shell.
Oslo stuck his small brown oily feline head out of the driver's window.
"Bon Scott, boss! Bon muthafuckin' Scott!"
Bon Scott was the lead singer for Australian hard rock band AC/DC from 1974 until his departure in 1980. By that I mean his departure from this earthly realm; after a night of carousing in London, Scott suffocated on his own puke and died. The Guak loved the song "T.N.T." and a code phrase was born.
As soon as our hero had uttered "Bon Scott" in the ballroom, Oslo raced as quickly as he could throughout Neuneuschwanstein looking for something combustible. His ego had been bruised, and he felt unworthy of "the world's smartest cat" moniker. The sidekick needed to redeem himself. Oslo wasn't having much luck but then noticed two of those android henchmen carrying the crackpot doctor as they sped down a hallway.
"Der Guak und Ingrid are in the courtyard, meine Jungs!" Doktor Maschinemensch had shrieked excitedly. "Bring me to mein grosse Roboter!"
Then it dawned on Oslo: that disgusting Escalade with all them delicious liquors. A plan had been hatched in the brain of the world's smartest cat.
"Bon Scott, boss! Bon muthafuckin' Scott!"
Oslo jumped out of the improvised warhead and ran for cover.
The Guak realized what was about to happen and cursed audibly. He jumped up and hobbled as fast as he could on his crushed foot.
Docktor Maschinemensch noticed seconds later. The gas fumes that permeated the courtyard. The incredible amount of petrol required to power the massive MechaMaximillian. And the premium octane fuel in the Escalade. It had been filled just a few hours before. Mein Gott! the doctor thought to himself. I just had to have Achtzehn fuel das Auto tonight in case I had a sudden need for Moons Over My Hammy! Und all those high-end spirits!
The Escalade was a second away from impact, and there was nothing the mad scientist could do about it. The big galoot and his four-legged friend got him, and they got him but good.
"Schiesse," Doktor Maschinemensch whispered.
The ostentatious white stretch Cadillac Escalade collided into the gigantic robot.
Because I'm TNT. I'm dynamite. And I'll win the fight. I'm a power-load. Watch me explode.
And explode it did. The gaudy whip and creepy robotic construct, and it's even creepier occupant, blew up instantly. Your humble narrator is by no means a scientist, but I'm guessing the explosion had some serious megatonnage to it.
Unfortunately for The Guak, Oslo had no idea our hero's foot was crushed into thousands of little bits, which resulted in a serious lack of mobility. Even filled to the gills with adrenaline and rage and piss and vinegar, The Guak could only move so fast, and it wasn't fast enough. Our hero was caught in the blast radius and was sent flying.
The Guak sailed through the air, completely engulfed in flames. He was seconds from burning to death. He felt his skin and muscle and fat and organs and everything else begin to liquefy.
This is the same thing my mother felt right before she died.
That was the last thought Harry Guakomoli had right before he rocketed headfirst into the outer stone wall. Our hero's body fell twenty feet to the cobblestone ground. The raging inferno consumed his unmoving body and refused to let go.
The End.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Part XVI: The Guak Strikes Back!
Harry Guakomoli had his arms around the waist of The Amazon as the pair plummeted to the ground. The femme fatale landed hard on her back with The Guak on top of her, his face buried in her chest. They were in the courtyard not far from the double doors that served as the entrance to Neuneuschwanstein. The compound was dark save for a few gas lights around the perimeter. His head in his foe's ample bosom, The Guak was tempted to go motorboating or make some crack about her probably-not-natural airbags, but that was Oslo's schtick, not his.
Instead our hero straddled The Amazon and started punching her face with his sledgehammer fists. He was mighty happy her head was not made of metal like the roboMaximillians. Right, left, right, left, right right right right. The Amazon's face was becoming a bloody sloppy mess as he pounded away at her.
"Now it's The Guak's turn, baby doll!" our hero roared as he referred to himself in the third person. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Yet there was still some fight left in lady. She grabbed what was left of The Guak's shirt collar with both hands and got one leg between her upper body and The Guak's and then the other. She pushed off his chest with both feet and flipped him off of her. Our hero landed on his back with a thud. The glass from the shattered window cut into his back.
The Guak and The Amazon tried to spring back up, but they were both the worse for wear. Our hero managed to get up first, and he lunged. His rashness was rewarded with a spin kick from his fellow scrapper, the hell of her jackboot drove into The Guak's chest, and he staggered. The Amazon attempted to follow up with a throat punch but failed to see that while The Guak was on the ground he had picked up a long shard of glass from the broken window.
Our hero struck, driving the shard deep into her throat. The Amazon started to choke and foolishly instinctively pulled out the glass. Blood poured from her neck. What a dummy. She covered the gash with her hand in a futile attempt to dam the deluge of sanguine viscous fluid then gushing from her throat.
The Guak grabbed a handful of The Amazon's flaxen locks and yanked her down so that she on her knees and one of her hands, the other still used to try and staunch the blood loss. Our hero loomed over her while clutching her platinum mane. He smacked The Amazon's catsuited bottom hard with his free hand. The Guak giggled.
"I'm curious as to how much of you is roboparts, baby doll," stated The Guak with more than a hint of glee.
He released the hold on her hair and bent both index and middle fingers slightly. The Guak dug into The Amazon's eye sockets. He scooped her baby blues out until he held one in each hand, and then he pulled. The Guak's theory was proven to be accurate as three wires, two red and one white, ran from each "eye" through her socket and into her head. He pulled and pulled until the wires were taut.
And then he yanked hard, ripping the wires out from whatever they were attached to. The Guak crushed the cybernetic oracular implants. Apparently this all caused The Amazon a great deal of pain because she began wailing like a banshee, muffled and wet due to her slit throat. Music to The Guak's ears. Our hero shoved his hands into her screaming mouth.
"Next test."
The Guak pulled up on the roof of the no-longer-fatal femme fatale's mouth and down on her lower jaw. Harder and harder he pulled in opposite directions until finally, with a sick pop, the gaping maw of his once future sex partner was ripped apart. Her separated mandible was in The Guak's right hand along with torn skin and flesh and teeth.
Our hero looked down at The Amazon. Her face was one nasty mess of gore and missing body parts. Blood poured from her half-mouth and gashed throat. Electrical burns ran around the rims of her empty eye sockets. Her tongue dangled past her neck. She choked and gargled.
"Fuck," The Guak said softly after witnessing his handiwork.
The Guak let her limp body slump to the ground. He realized she was bleeding out and didn't have much time left. It was then he wondered if The Amazon had a chip in her brain like he did in his naughty dream. Our hero knew it was too late to save her so he merely shrugged.
"Fuck it: uppity bitch called me 'pathetic.'"
Instead our hero straddled The Amazon and started punching her face with his sledgehammer fists. He was mighty happy her head was not made of metal like the roboMaximillians. Right, left, right, left, right right right right. The Amazon's face was becoming a bloody sloppy mess as he pounded away at her.
"Now it's The Guak's turn, baby doll!" our hero roared as he referred to himself in the third person. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Yet there was still some fight left in lady. She grabbed what was left of The Guak's shirt collar with both hands and got one leg between her upper body and The Guak's and then the other. She pushed off his chest with both feet and flipped him off of her. Our hero landed on his back with a thud. The glass from the shattered window cut into his back.
The Guak and The Amazon tried to spring back up, but they were both the worse for wear. Our hero managed to get up first, and he lunged. His rashness was rewarded with a spin kick from his fellow scrapper, the hell of her jackboot drove into The Guak's chest, and he staggered. The Amazon attempted to follow up with a throat punch but failed to see that while The Guak was on the ground he had picked up a long shard of glass from the broken window.
Our hero struck, driving the shard deep into her throat. The Amazon started to choke and foolishly instinctively pulled out the glass. Blood poured from her neck. What a dummy. She covered the gash with her hand in a futile attempt to dam the deluge of sanguine viscous fluid then gushing from her throat.
The Guak grabbed a handful of The Amazon's flaxen locks and yanked her down so that she on her knees and one of her hands, the other still used to try and staunch the blood loss. Our hero loomed over her while clutching her platinum mane. He smacked The Amazon's catsuited bottom hard with his free hand. The Guak giggled.
"I'm curious as to how much of you is roboparts, baby doll," stated The Guak with more than a hint of glee.
He released the hold on her hair and bent both index and middle fingers slightly. The Guak dug into The Amazon's eye sockets. He scooped her baby blues out until he held one in each hand, and then he pulled. The Guak's theory was proven to be accurate as three wires, two red and one white, ran from each "eye" through her socket and into her head. He pulled and pulled until the wires were taut.
And then he yanked hard, ripping the wires out from whatever they were attached to. The Guak crushed the cybernetic oracular implants. Apparently this all caused The Amazon a great deal of pain because she began wailing like a banshee, muffled and wet due to her slit throat. Music to The Guak's ears. Our hero shoved his hands into her screaming mouth.
"Next test."
The Guak pulled up on the roof of the no-longer-fatal femme fatale's mouth and down on her lower jaw. Harder and harder he pulled in opposite directions until finally, with a sick pop, the gaping maw of his once future sex partner was ripped apart. Her separated mandible was in The Guak's right hand along with torn skin and flesh and teeth.
Our hero looked down at The Amazon. Her face was one nasty mess of gore and missing body parts. Blood poured from her half-mouth and gashed throat. Electrical burns ran around the rims of her empty eye sockets. Her tongue dangled past her neck. She choked and gargled.
"Fuck," The Guak said softly after witnessing his handiwork.
The Guak let her limp body slump to the ground. He realized she was bleeding out and didn't have much time left. It was then he wondered if The Amazon had a chip in her brain like he did in his naughty dream. Our hero knew it was too late to save her so he merely shrugged.
"Fuck it: uppity bitch called me 'pathetic.'"
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Part XV: Return Of The Femme Fatale
Harry Guakomoli bolted up the staircase to exact his revenge on Doktor Maschinemensch. He was burned and bitten. He suffered blows to the head and lost a pinky. He had been drugged and experienced the most messed up dream. And now it was time to teach that crackpot he had fucked with the wrong dude.
Our hero made it to the top and saw the doctor and his mechanical servant about fifteen feet down yet another hallway. The doctor was lying on his back and groaning while the android tried to help its master up. The Guak was surprised to find the crazed old coot still conscious. Shit, he was surprised Maschinemensch was still alive.
The Guak ran up to the pair and landed a blow to the robot's head with his steel-toed shit kicker. Just like the others before it, the head blew up upon impact. The doctor's labcoat was singed in the process. The decapitated robot crumpled and landed on the barely moving doctor. Our hero effortlessly tossed it aside into a bedroom off from the hallway.
The Guak loomed over the doctor who was struggling to get up with little success.
"Stay put," The Guak said coldly as he set one foot on his enemy's chest. "You're going to answer me a question, and I'm satisfied with your answer I might take it easy on you. You get me, Fritz?"
"Ja," Doktor Maschinemensch answered weakly.
"I understand making your robot soldiers to look like your dead waste of space son. As much of a fuck-up as he was, he was still your son, and you loved him. In your twisted way you decided to make him immortal. I get that. Fuck, in a weird way I even respect it. But what's got me puzzled is why you made them so small."
The Guak was not fond of talking. He preferred speaking with his fists and boots and knees and elbows and occasionally his head. But the thought was driving him crazy.
"Vhy have ten Maximllians vhen I can have tventy?"
As much as he hated to admit it, The Guak couldn't fuck with that logic.So he decided not to admit it. Take that doctor!
Our hero was so obsessed with finally confronting his prey he was oblivious to everything, and to everyone else. So distracted was The Guak he did not notice The Amazon's presence until she delivered a diving elbow to the back of his head. The Guak was sent flying. He hurtled a good twenty feet before landing hard on the stone floor.
"Motherfucker..." growled The Guak.
He jumped to his feet and spun around only to have his face met with the bombshell's backhand, and once again out hero was dropped.
"That vas too close for comfort, Ingrid," scolded the doctor. "Herr Guakomoli could have had me caput."
"My apologies, Master," The Amazon responded coldly.
The Guak was on both knees rubbing his cheek. Baby's got some balls, he thought to himself. The Amazon marched towards him and went to deliver a devastating karate chop, but The Guak rolled out of the way and into the adjacent bedroom.
Our hero took a quick scan of the room: a double bed, a nightstand with lamp, and the decapitated deactivated roboMaximillian he had dumped in there just moments before. Four walls and a window. Bare bones. But enough to work with.
He turned around to locate The Amazon who was undoubtedly approaching.She was faster than he predicted, and The Guak took a knee to the kisser. He tasted iron as his mouth filled with blood.
Our hero spit out blood. And a few tooth fragments. If he hadn't lost most of his teeth the night before he surely would have just then. He grabbed the lamp and lunged at his buxom attacker only to have her grab his wrist. The Amazon squeezed tightly, and The Guak heard more than a few bones crack. He released his grip, and the lamp fell to the floor.
"Normally I don't hit girls," The Guak snarled. "But you're not much of a girl anymore are you? You I can smack around."
And then The Guak spewed a load of blood and spit into the face of his former brood mare-to-be. He lamented the fact he would not be able to use the Tijuana knife fight on the lady. The thought of having relations with The Amazon until Doktor Maschinemensch discovered either The Guak was sterile (if Filthy O'Possum was to be believed) or that the offspring of two cyborgs would not be born cyborgs was an awesome one. Women that could kick ass was a turn-on for our hero.
The Guak was jostled from his brief daydream with a thunderous headbutt to the forehead. The Amazon flashed a smile of pure malice before tossing our hero to the center of the room like a rag doll. And a sack of potatoes. A sack of potatoes and rag dolls. The Amazon slowly slinked towards him. Her wicked grin grew. She was toying with her prey. And her prey was becoming aroused.
"You are pathetic," the femme fatale hissed at our hero.
"You were going to let me do all sorts of carnal things to you because some frail little man told you to," The Guak retorted. "Who's the pathetic one, baby doll?"
The Guak was not sure if it was the harsh reality or the sobriquet he bestowed upon her, but The Amazon's cruel grin vanished and her eyes blazed with intensely burning hatred. Play time was over, and it was time for our hero to die. The Amazon sent her fist rocketing towards The Guak's face with the intention of ending his life.
But the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Instead of the intended target of The Guak's already considerably fucked up countenance, the fist of the femme fatale connected with the decapitated non-dwarf's abdomen and out the wee bastard's back. Our hero had suspected by the look on The Amazon's face it was time to deliver the killing blow and grabbed the deactivated roboMaximillian at the last possible second. The Guak hated mixing thinking time with action time , but on occasion it had to be done.
While The Amazon busied herself with removing the motionless android from her forearm our hero sprang to his feet. He wrapped his mighty arms around the waist of his enemy and lunged towards the window. This sent them both crashing through it, and the defenestrated pair plunged towards the cobble stone ground below.
Our hero made it to the top and saw the doctor and his mechanical servant about fifteen feet down yet another hallway. The doctor was lying on his back and groaning while the android tried to help its master up. The Guak was surprised to find the crazed old coot still conscious. Shit, he was surprised Maschinemensch was still alive.
The Guak ran up to the pair and landed a blow to the robot's head with his steel-toed shit kicker. Just like the others before it, the head blew up upon impact. The doctor's labcoat was singed in the process. The decapitated robot crumpled and landed on the barely moving doctor. Our hero effortlessly tossed it aside into a bedroom off from the hallway.
The Guak loomed over the doctor who was struggling to get up with little success.
"Stay put," The Guak said coldly as he set one foot on his enemy's chest. "You're going to answer me a question, and I'm satisfied with your answer I might take it easy on you. You get me, Fritz?"
"Ja," Doktor Maschinemensch answered weakly.
"I understand making your robot soldiers to look like your dead waste of space son. As much of a fuck-up as he was, he was still your son, and you loved him. In your twisted way you decided to make him immortal. I get that. Fuck, in a weird way I even respect it. But what's got me puzzled is why you made them so small."
The Guak was not fond of talking. He preferred speaking with his fists and boots and knees and elbows and occasionally his head. But the thought was driving him crazy.
"Vhy have ten Maximllians vhen I can have tventy?"
As much as he hated to admit it, The Guak couldn't fuck with that logic.So he decided not to admit it. Take that doctor!
Our hero was so obsessed with finally confronting his prey he was oblivious to everything, and to everyone else. So distracted was The Guak he did not notice The Amazon's presence until she delivered a diving elbow to the back of his head. The Guak was sent flying. He hurtled a good twenty feet before landing hard on the stone floor.
"Motherfucker..." growled The Guak.
He jumped to his feet and spun around only to have his face met with the bombshell's backhand, and once again out hero was dropped.
"That vas too close for comfort, Ingrid," scolded the doctor. "Herr Guakomoli could have had me caput."
"My apologies, Master," The Amazon responded coldly.
The Guak was on both knees rubbing his cheek. Baby's got some balls, he thought to himself. The Amazon marched towards him and went to deliver a devastating karate chop, but The Guak rolled out of the way and into the adjacent bedroom.
Our hero took a quick scan of the room: a double bed, a nightstand with lamp, and the decapitated deactivated roboMaximillian he had dumped in there just moments before. Four walls and a window. Bare bones. But enough to work with.
He turned around to locate The Amazon who was undoubtedly approaching.She was faster than he predicted, and The Guak took a knee to the kisser. He tasted iron as his mouth filled with blood.
Our hero spit out blood. And a few tooth fragments. If he hadn't lost most of his teeth the night before he surely would have just then. He grabbed the lamp and lunged at his buxom attacker only to have her grab his wrist. The Amazon squeezed tightly, and The Guak heard more than a few bones crack. He released his grip, and the lamp fell to the floor.
"Normally I don't hit girls," The Guak snarled. "But you're not much of a girl anymore are you? You I can smack around."
And then The Guak spewed a load of blood and spit into the face of his former brood mare-to-be. He lamented the fact he would not be able to use the Tijuana knife fight on the lady. The thought of having relations with The Amazon until Doktor Maschinemensch discovered either The Guak was sterile (if Filthy O'Possum was to be believed) or that the offspring of two cyborgs would not be born cyborgs was an awesome one. Women that could kick ass was a turn-on for our hero.
The Guak was jostled from his brief daydream with a thunderous headbutt to the forehead. The Amazon flashed a smile of pure malice before tossing our hero to the center of the room like a rag doll. And a sack of potatoes. A sack of potatoes and rag dolls. The Amazon slowly slinked towards him. Her wicked grin grew. She was toying with her prey. And her prey was becoming aroused.
"You are pathetic," the femme fatale hissed at our hero.
"You were going to let me do all sorts of carnal things to you because some frail little man told you to," The Guak retorted. "Who's the pathetic one, baby doll?"
The Guak was not sure if it was the harsh reality or the sobriquet he bestowed upon her, but The Amazon's cruel grin vanished and her eyes blazed with intensely burning hatred. Play time was over, and it was time for our hero to die. The Amazon sent her fist rocketing towards The Guak's face with the intention of ending his life.
But the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Instead of the intended target of The Guak's already considerably fucked up countenance, the fist of the femme fatale connected with the decapitated non-dwarf's abdomen and out the wee bastard's back. Our hero had suspected by the look on The Amazon's face it was time to deliver the killing blow and grabbed the deactivated roboMaximillian at the last possible second. The Guak hated mixing thinking time with action time , but on occasion it had to be done.
While The Amazon busied herself with removing the motionless android from her forearm our hero sprang to his feet. He wrapped his mighty arms around the waist of his enemy and lunged towards the window. This sent them both crashing through it, and the defenestrated pair plunged towards the cobble stone ground below.
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