Part XXIX: The Guak Vs. Oslo!

Harry Guakomoli was greeted with the nude form of Yo-Yo Ramirez. It was a surprising sight and not an unpleasant one. He was caught off guard and paused as she pointed at him and yelled something in Spanish.

"Die doppelganger motherfucker!" Oslo The World's Smartest Cat screamed as he pounced towards The Guak's face. While Oslo was truly the world's smartest cat he was by no means a genius; if he was he may realized that a surprise attack was more effective if it wasn't announced.

Oslo's assessment of what he believed The Guak to be gave our hero the time to snap out of his trance and catch his former best friend by the neck.

"Your strategies always sucked, traitor," The Guak growled as he tightened his grip.

"Fuck off, imposter!" Oslo screeched as he clawed away at The Guak's arm. The sweatshirt sleeve was being torn to pieces and the cat's nails dug into the flesh underneath.

"You stole my home. You stole my girl. Now I'm going to steal your life."

Like he did with Dr. Lawrence Triangle, The Guak squeezed Oslo's neck. Our hero had few friends in life, Oslo perhaps being the only true one. Yet those that fell into that particular designation were granted fiercely unwavering loyalty. But The Guak also expected that loyalty to be reciprocal. He viewed the actions of The World's Smartest Cat to be treacherous, and he couldn't let that go unpunished.

Oslo knew this guy who looked, sounded, and smelled like his best friend was intent on killing him. The World's Smartest Cat had no idea if his species truly did have nine lives. What he did know was that he really did not want to discover the answer firsthand. Oslo scratched and clawed at his would-be murderer's arm, but nothing the feline fury did caused the brute to release his grip.

As the life of The World's Smartest Cat slipped away Oslo had a realization. If this guy truly was an imposter why would he try to kill him? The logical plan would be to infiltrate, not annihilate. And he certainly wouldn't be dressed like that! This wasn't a clone or a robot or an evil twin. This was the bone fide The Guak!

"You're...you're not an evil robot twin clone," Oslo strained to say.

"No shit, weirdo," said The Guak puzzled.

"Boss...please," begged Oslo. The end was drawing near for our four-legged friend.

"¡Papi Grande!" exclaimed the buck naked Yo-Yo. "Me and Senor Gato never did no hanky-panky! It's true!"

Our hero was expressionless as he stared down at Oslo. His former sidekick had stopped attempting to claw his way out of The Guak's vise-like grip. The World's Smartest Cat no longer had the energy to struggle. All he could do was hope there was a sweet Hereafter. And if there was such a place the oceans would be malt liquor and the islands were made of Nutter Butters.

"Fuck," The Guak said.

Our hero released his stranglehold on his former best friend. Oslo instinctively landed on his feet before rolling over onto his back and desperately sucked down air. The Guak, looking dangerously close to remorseful, turned his attention to Yo-Yo.

"Are any of my clothes still here?" our hero asked the lovely Latina softly.

"Si, El Guako," the shapely senorita replied. "They're in the spare bedroom. Senor Gato refused to part with them."

The Guak lumbered off to the spare bedroom and shut the door behind him. Oslo and Yo-Yo looked at each other.

"So El Guako no kill us?" asked the confused Latina.

"That appears to be the case, mi cucaracha."

"Senor Gato," Yo-Yo said as she crinkled her nose in disgust. "You have boner."

The two stopped speaking to each other. The World's Smartest Cat rolled up into a ball of malt liquor- and vomit-soaked brown fur while Yo-Yo left to make herself more presentable. The Guak emerged from his dressing room in a dark brown hooded sweatshirt and slightly more stylish blue jeans.

"Where the fuck are my shit kickers?" our obviously less-than-pleased hero demanded to know.

Oslo looked down and noticed The Guak in his stocking feet. White, stained, and torn stocking feet.

"Well, boss," answered the feline fury. "There was this burial, see..."

"You buried my fucking boots?"

"There wasn't a body so we used some mementos instead."

"God, that's fucking stupid," The Guak said. "Is that where my autographed photo of Charo is?"

"Yeah, boss," The World's Smartest Cat answered, suddenly feeling less that smart.

The Guak added digging up his own grave to his mental list of things to do. He would be damned if he didn't get back that photograph to remind him of the greatest sex he ever had. Our hero returned to the bedroom and slipped his feet into the gray Velcro sneakers. He returned to the living room and headed towards the apartment's exit, stepping on the door he kicked off its hinges as he did so.

"Boss?"

"Yeah," The Guak asked.

"The hood rat was right," Oslo replied. "We didn't get it on. Sometimes I would crawl into her nap while she was naked, and she would stroke me. Not my willie though. That's all that happened. Promise."

"I believe you."

"Don't go, boss. Stay and tell me how you're still alive."

"Maybe later," The Guak said softly. There's some shit I need to do on my own. But there is something you can for me."

"Name it," Oslo said. "I'll do anything for you."

"I need money for cab fare."