Harry Guakomoli was not given much of a breather before it once again became action time. Several flood lights, situated atop the castle and compound wall, simultaneously turned on, causing the entire courtyard to shine with a yellow glow.
And then the rumbling started. One side of Castle Neuneushwanstein began shaking violently. Soon the entire facade crumbled apart. The Guak squinted at the tall shape that was behind the wall (before it came crashing down of course).
"You have got to me shitting me," The Guak grumbled.
Across the courtyard stood a mechanical facsimile of Maximillian Maschinemensch, twenty feet tall and naked as the day its inspiration was born (and thankfully not anatomically correct!). Two large smokestacks started at its back and ran skyward before ending a foot above the shoulders. Large plumes of black exhaust billowed out from them. Its belly was clear, revealing Doktor Klaus Maschinemensch seated with a long knobbed gear shift in each hand. The madman yanked the left lever as aggressively as his frail body would allow and a microphone attached to a cord dropped from the cockpit's ceiling.
"YOU THINK YOU ARE SO CLEVER UND STRONG UND MORE CLEVER, HERR GUAKOMOLI," the doctor's voice boomed via a speaker located in the robot's mouth. "BUT I VILL BE TRIUMPHANT! I VILL NOT LET MY LIFE'S WORK BECOME UNDONE BY A CHARRED SELF-RIGHTEOUS ZWIEBELKOPF!"
The Guak glared and snarled. He had no idea how the doctor made it to his robot created in his dead son's image, and at that point he couldn't care less. Our hero charged and quickly closed the gap between him and the source of his rage in a matter of seconds. Our hero leaped into the air towards the doctor. But this story's major antagonist foresaw this course of action and caught The Guak with the robot's left hand with surprising swiftness.
"YOU DISAPPOINT ME," Doktor Maschinemensch said. "SO VERY VERY PREDICTABLE. IT IS AS IF YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING. A SHAME REALLY."
The doctor pushed the right lever forward, and The Guak felt the hand's grip tighten. Slowly he felt himself getting crushed, and he realized he wouldn't be long for this world if he didn't act fast. Our hero started to pound the wrist like a gorilla, raising his fist high above his head before sending it crashing down below. For a normal man the blows would have little or no effect, but this is The Motherfucking Guak I'm talking about here. Our hero's sledgehammer fists cracked the shell and soon he would make a big enough hole so he could reach in and start yanking out wires. If only the doctor did not come to the same conclusion...
"I THINK NOT! PERHAPS YOU ARE NOT AS STUPID AS YOU LOOK!"
The Guak took umbrage at that remark. He was not an attractive man by any stretch of the imagination, yet nothing about his visage gave any clue at to his intelligence (or lack thereof). But soon his only thought was oh, shit! as the doctor threw him.
Our hero soared through the sky thirty feet before hitting the cobblestone ground and bounced, skidded, and rolled another fifteen.
"Fuuuuck," our hero said. This seriously sucked for The Guak,and for a few seconds he laid prone. Everything hurt. He just wanted to be home and cared for by that la cucaracha caliente, Yo-Yo Ramirez. That sounded nice.
The Guak's wishes came to an abrupt end by a loud thud mere feet from his head. He opened his eyes to see a large rock crash even closer. It broke apart upon impact, and it sent dust and small pebbles into his eyes. They were already irritated by the gas fumes that permeated the night air. This bullshit made it worse.
Our hero sat up to eye Doktor Maschinemensch in MechaMaximillian pick up another large stone from the pile that was once the castle wall and hurled it at The Guak. This projectile would have been a bull's-eye had he not rolled out of the way.
The Guak sprung to his feet only to have another rock land squarely in the gut. He doubled over and began to vomit immediately. One final stone nailed his left foot, and our hero felt every bone pulverized.
The Guak realized he was a goner.
But in the near distance he heard the rev of an engine. The Guak turned around to see a pair of headlights enter the courtyard. As the vehicle came closer our hero recognized it as the stretch Escalade from before, and it raced towards the doctor and his robotic shell.
Oslo stuck his small brown oily feline head out of the driver's window.
"Bon Scott, boss! Bon muthafuckin' Scott!"
Bon Scott was the lead singer for Australian hard rock band AC/DC from 1974 until his departure in 1980. By that I mean his departure from this earthly realm; after a night of carousing in London, Scott suffocated on his own puke and died. The Guak loved the song "T.N.T." and a code phrase was born.
As soon as our hero had uttered "Bon Scott" in the ballroom, Oslo raced as quickly as he could throughout Neuneuschwanstein looking for something combustible. His ego had been bruised, and he felt unworthy of "the world's smartest cat" moniker. The sidekick needed to redeem himself. Oslo wasn't having much luck but then noticed two of those android henchmen carrying the crackpot doctor as they sped down a hallway.
"Der Guak und Ingrid are in the courtyard, meine Jungs!" Doktor Maschinemensch had shrieked excitedly. "Bring me to mein grosse Roboter!"
Then it dawned on Oslo: that disgusting Escalade with all them delicious liquors. A plan had been hatched in the brain of the world's smartest cat.
"Bon Scott, boss! Bon muthafuckin' Scott!"
Oslo jumped out of the improvised warhead and ran for cover.
The Guak realized what was about to happen and cursed audibly. He jumped up and hobbled as fast as he could on his crushed foot.
Docktor Maschinemensch noticed seconds later. The gas fumes that permeated the courtyard. The incredible amount of petrol required to power the massive MechaMaximillian. And the premium octane fuel in the Escalade. It had been filled just a few hours before. Mein Gott! the doctor thought to himself. I just had to have Achtzehn fuel das Auto tonight in case I had a sudden need for Moons Over My Hammy! Und all those high-end spirits!
The Escalade was a second away from impact, and there was nothing the mad scientist could do about it. The big galoot and his four-legged friend got him, and they got him but good.
"Schiesse," Doktor Maschinemensch whispered.
The ostentatious white stretch Cadillac Escalade collided into the gigantic robot.
Because I'm TNT. I'm dynamite. And I'll win the fight. I'm a power-load. Watch me explode.
And explode it did. The gaudy whip and creepy robotic construct, and it's even creepier occupant, blew up instantly. Your humble narrator is by no means a scientist, but I'm guessing the explosion had some serious megatonnage to it.
Unfortunately for The Guak, Oslo had no idea our hero's foot was crushed into thousands of little bits, which resulted in a serious lack of mobility. Even filled to the gills with adrenaline and rage and piss and vinegar, The Guak could only move so fast, and it wasn't fast enough. Our hero was caught in the blast radius and was sent flying.
The Guak sailed through the air, completely engulfed in flames. He was seconds from burning to death. He felt his skin and muscle and fat and organs and everything else begin to liquefy.
This is the same thing my mother felt right before she died.
That was the last thought Harry Guakomoli had right before he rocketed headfirst into the outer stone wall. Our hero's body fell twenty feet to the cobblestone ground. The raging inferno consumed his unmoving body and refused to let go.
The End.
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