Harry Guakomoli was eager to be wearing his shit kickers again, particularly after all that bullshit he went through to get them. That dimwitted slob of a groundskeeper had proven to be a real pain in the ass. It had taken The Guak several minutes to get it through the man's head that an assortment of his mementos had been buried in his stead, and our hero wished to retrieve them.
Gunther lead The Guak to an equipment shed and after following him for a few minutes our hero wished he had insisted the groundskeeper put on his pants. Gunther opened the door to the shed and flipped on a light switch. He refused to enter the shed, instead merely pointing toward the entrance. The Guak shrugged and stepped inside. He noticed a number of shovels leaning up against the back wall. The Guak smiled and walked over to them. He was debating which one would meet his needs the best when he was hit in the back of the head with a rake by Gunther. Gunther was a large man who earned his living by undergoing strenuous labor. His strength was enough to level any man, But The Guak was not just any man.
"Ow," The Guak uttered before turning around.
"WALKIN' DEAD WALK NO MORE!" the groundskeeper yelled as he lunged toward our hero with a pair of hedge clippers.
The Guak was barely able to sidestep the oaf's attack. He shoved the man from behind, and Gunther wiped out. The groundskeeper had just enough time to roll onto his back before The Guak was on top of him.
"What the fuck was that?" The Guak growled.
"YOU'RE SMARTER AND STRONGER THAN THE OTHERS!" Gunther yelled. "ARE YOU THEIR KING?"
"Am I whose king?" our hero asked . Nothing was ever simple, and that was really starting to burn his britches.
"THE ZOMBIE MEN!"
"Ugh." The Guak was not in the mood for this shit. Apparently the time our hero had taken to explain his situation was wasted on the hayseed. "Do you know where the Harry Guakomoli plot is?"
Gunther was a simple and slow-witted buffoon, but The Guak was blown away by the groundskeeper's amazing ability to remember every single plot in the cemetery. Gunther lead our hero through the rows upon rows of graves until The Guak laid his eyes upon his own memorial.
The tombstone was slate-colored marble with light gray flecks. A skull, complete with crossbones, adorned the top of its face. Our hero thought it was one of the most kick-ass things he had ever seen. Below the skull was etched "Harry 'The Guak' Guakomoli." There were no years given. No date of birth. No date of death. But the headstone proclaimed The Guak was both "Hero of The Barrio" and "Hero of The People." It was touching. It was also fucking surreal, eying one's on grave. Even if the body was actually not buried in the ground.
"CAN I GO NOW?" the groundskeeper broke the silence by asking.
"Do you always have to fucking yell?" our hero responded with a question of his own. His gaze was still fixated on his tombstone.
"I CAN'T HELP IT! IT'S A CONDITION!"
"You tried to run me through with garden tools, so, no, you can't go. Start digging."
Gunther was not happy with The Guak's answer, but he decided it was best not to trifle with the king of the zombie men (The Guak opted not to correct Gunther of his theory). The groundskeeper did as he was told and stabbed the earth with his favorite shovel, Sheila III, and proceeded to dig up our hero's grave. Some time later, well after dawn had come and gone, the wooden box that contained The Guak's most prized possessions was revealed.
Our hero slowly slid on his boots and laced them up. God, it felt good. The Guak walked to the graveyard's exit, his box in tow. He wondered if the hack and his cab were still waiting for The Guak per his instructions.
And Gunther was left admiring his new pair of gray Velcro sneakers. It wasn't until the king of the zombie men was gone that he noticed they were caked in dried blood.
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